Entrepreneurs and business executives seem to be even more focused on their technology than the rest of us, and less inclined to listen to the voice of the customer, even if they remember to ask. Real two-way conversations with real customers, including the all-important body language, are unheard-of these days. Being connected to the Internet many hours a day is not enough.

In fact, being connected on the Internet has taken on a whole new meaning to me, since I noticed a study commissioned a while back by PC Tools, which found that more than a quarter of people using the Internet have no problem with staying online during sex. Others admit to surfing the web even during religious services. I doubt if any of these are really listening to their customers.

If you are looking for a way to get a competitive edge, now is the time to start building a relationship with your customers, which includes active listening. In a business context, here are some old-fashioned guidelines for effective listening, for you and the members of your staff who have been distracted by all the things you can now do online:

1. Forget selling while asking for customer feedback. It’s easy to focus first on selling, and to treat all customer input as objections to be overcome. It’s harder, but necessary, to resist the response urge and actively listen to customers, while logging their input for later analysis. Customers will sense the relationship being built, and both of you win.

2. Observe customer body language, as well as words. Whether it’s while listening or talking, some studies show that as much as 60 to 90 percent of the communication is nonverbal. This means meeting personally with real customers, in an environment friendly to them. Email surveys and voice response units are not effective listening.

3. Eliminate pride and ego from the equation. If your customer senses your ego is talking, they know you won’t be able to listen. Pride is good, but can easily be heard as selling. You can’t listen if the customer isn’t talking, so make sure more than half of the conversation is input rather than output.

4. Always ask open-ended questions. Questions that start with “why” invite a defensive response, and usually don’t lead to a productive dialog. You are not looking for one-word responses. More effective questions usually start with “what,” and focus on that person as a customer, rather than you, your product, or your service.

5. Pause thoughtfully rather than reply immediately. People sense that you are not listening, when you respond too quickly. Even with the best of intentions, responding on the spur of the moment often results is something we wish we had not said, or said differently. Always listen carefully for nuances, and think before you speak.

6. Respond to general comments with focused questions. Forget the script, and think on your feet to go where the discussion leads. This requirement for effective listening is why customer satisfaction online and phone surveys may identify big problems, but don’t really address customer needs for future of your business.

7. Make social network contacts into two-way conversations. Social network streams that are all output, or all input, are not effective. You need to post non-defensive responses to all inputs on a timely basis, to show you are accessible and listening. Requests for input that are thinly disguised sales pitches won’t work.

Customers want and expect two-way personal relationships with their providers, and they know that the technology now allows for this. “Push” marketing messages are perceived as clutter, and are often simply ignored. Business relationships build loyalty, in the same way that personal and peer-to-peer ones do.

My final message is that you need to be listening online and offline to what customers are saying about your competitors. Listening more effectively to current customers will maintain their loyalty, and listening more effectively to the customers of your competitors will bring you the new ones you need to grow. Talking too much can cost you both.

Marty Zwilling