I want to start here, not to brag but I don’t want to talk about the wins, I want people to know what the trauma is no one talks about in starting a business… I run a web agency that does a million plus a year in residual income. I have 7 employees, I am happily married and I LOVE my life, looking back on all of this is still hard without looking at where I am and I want everyone to look at it through that sense to see that through the darkness there is hope and if you need help you need to get it, 1 in 10 business owners contemplates suicide and a whole lot follow through, it is hard and it sucks.… but it is not always going to be like that. The below paints the picture no one discusses and I hope someone somewhere finds this helpful.
I have been trying to post helpful comments for start ups, new founders and businesses on reddit for some months now. I have noticed that people who have made it to the point where they can pay themselves well and have what most would consider to be a successful business don’t talk about getting there. I wanted to share my story, maybe it is relatable, maybe it is discouraging, maybe someone finds some use. The whole point is to point out while we all look at pitch videos with Lambos and big houses… this is the real experience. Maybe not for everyone but for me. I hope this helps even one person see the sun through the clouds.
I started my business 10 years ago. I started it because I was sick of working for bosses that exploit talent for personal gain and was always the go to employee, I always took on more than I was paid and I was always passed over for opportunities because I was had to promote out of a position due to the prior qualities. I started a web design business (This is a bad business to start if you want to really make quick money).
What I sacrificed…
Potential Judgement - I had an entire support structure look at what I was doing and tell me I couldn’t do it. My parents, friends, literally everyone kept saying thing like.. you are just so talented to be spending your time on trying to build this why not get a job? You know, the general you can’t do it disguised as a compliment routine most of us know this. This was always hard but I continued even when everyone thought I would fail, and maybe they were right at the start.
My Mental Health - 5 years into my business I had $70,000 in debt, 4 partners, and a major issue with prescription drugs I used to cope with anxiety from my business. I started abusing these to be able to function and run my business. I got to a point where I snapped. We were facing a lawsuit (We did nothing wrong but the first time someone threatens to sue you is terrifying) not performing well enough to support 1 person never mind 4.
Well I walked into my office at the time pulled my bottle of glen livet 12 out of my desk and started chewing through an entire monthly prescription of Clonazepam. I woke up (not blacked out) 4 days later, my legs were covered in blood and I was on my office couch. This was actually my turning point. And the blood.. I had fallen down the stairs from taking a month of anxiety medication and drinking a bottle of scotch to boot, starts were a challenge. During that blacked out phase had attempted to take my own life and luckily one of my friends rented the office unit next to mine and came in at a very good time (I won’t go further into that and prefer not to).
My relationship - Well you read the above, would you date me? 6 years blown over my large mental breakdown it was not great and everyone rapidly left my corner more so than they already had and no one was to blame but myself. I was paying myself $250 twice a month and living off of savings and three other businesses I started in the vape industry to keep my agency going it was ugly.
Rehab - Well… I needed rehab. I told everyone what a mess I had turned myself into, got some help finding a facility and got off the anxiety meds. I stayed for 3 weeks and left against everyones advice. I knew I was good to leave (5 years later I am still good, this normally is really not a good idea for newly sober people). Anywho I found professional help after leaving ongoing as well. Keep in mind, I am a totally normal person who was going through more stress than I was capable of, I have no medical conditions and today am healthy and unmedicated.
Apologies - I had some explaining to do and dealt with the damage all of this dealt with. This part was actually easy, people fuck up and I did. So, I apologized for the things I had done and waited for people to see my actions in a positive light well enough to involve me in their life again.
Broken Partnerships - My three partners stayed while I was in rehab. They held the ship together and when I got back we all decided on one thing… we couldn’t keep it up as it was. So they found jobs and separated from the business and I could actually pay my bills with the business we established.
These were the bad events people don’t talk about. Mental health in small business ownership is a REAL struggle. Lots of us commit suicide, end up miserable and feeling imprisoned. If you need help get it, find other business owners, a therapist, your family… just talk about it. Life really sucks for everyone sometimes but please… don’t ever do anything that can’t be undone.
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